I don't care much for algorithm
All i know i got the rhythm
And i got the style
As long as you smile
It makes everything worthwhile
Saturday 15 September 2012
How to teach your cat English
Imagine there is a bank account that credits your account each morning with $86,400. It carries over no balance from day to day.
Every evening the bank deletes whatever part of the balance you failed to use during the day. What would you do? Draw out every cent, of course?
Each of us has such a bank. It's name is TIME.
Every morning, it credits you with 86,400 seconds.
Every night it writes off as lost, whatever of this you have failed to invest to a good purpose.
It carries over no balance. It allows no over draft. Each day it opens a new account for you. Each night it burns the remains of the day.
If you fail to use the day's deposits, the loss is yours. There is no drawing against "tomorrow."
You must live in the present on today's deposits. Invest it so as to get from it the utmost in health, happiness and success!
The clock is running!! Make the most of today.
Yesterday is history. Tomorrow is a mystery. Today is a gift. That's why its called the present.
My girlfriend invited me to her house. I found her sister alone in the house, she was unbelievably sexy and whispered in my ear, “we should have sex before my sister comes home”, I immediately turned around and walked to the front door to go to my car. I found my girlfriend standing there, she hugged me and said: “You’ve won my trust”
- Moral of the story: always keep your condoms in the car
Monday 10 September 2012
CALL ME MAYBE
When somebody says "Expect the unexpected" slap them in the face and say " You didn't expect that, did you?"
If you expect the unexpected then doesn't that make the unexpected expected?
Ghostly Facts
1. The substance left behind by a ghost is called ectoplasm. It varies in size, color and texture.
2. A ghost can leave behind a scent.
3. If you are haunted by a ghost, the ghost wants your attention.
4. Ghosts are more active at night and when it is quiet.
5. Children and animals are more likely to actually see a ghost.
6. A bored ghost will cause disruptions.
7. A troublesome ghost is known as a poltergeist.
8. A ghost can read your thoughts.
9. Ghosts don't sleep.
10. You're most likely to see a ghost on a staircase, peering out of a window, in a hallway, in a chair or in a MIRROR!
MEN VS WOMEN
"Men Are Like Waffles, Women Are Like Spaghetti."
Men process life in boxes. .
"A man will strategically organize his life in boxes and then spend most of his time in the boxes he can succeed in. This is such a strong motivation for him that he will seek out the boxes that work and will ignore the boxes that confuse him or make him feel like a failure."
If you take that thought one step further, it might help us understand even better the way men can compartmentalize relationships.
“Women are like spaghetti. They think and do things associatively in the strongest sense of the word, that everything is connected. When a man watches TV, he is simply watching TV. A woman on the other hand, might seize this moment, thinking he's relaxed and that this could be a great time to ask him, "What are you thinking, sweetheart?" And no matter how he answers, he can't win. If he says "Nothing," she will think he's lying or hiding something. He's not. He's just parked in one of his boxes. He may, to please her, look around quickly for one of his boxes that has words in it. The problem is she just simply cannot imagine a moment in her mind without words!”
Women are like waves, men are like rubber bands.
“When a man loves a woman, he needs to pull away once in awhile before he can get closer. For this reason, men are like rubber bands. When they pull away, they can stretch only so far before they come springing back”
Men are like.....Floor tile.
Lay them right the first time and you can walk on them for a
lifetime.
Men are like.....Placemats.
They only show up when there's food on the table.
Men are like.....Mascara.
They usually run at the first sign of emotion.
Men are like.....Bike helmets.
Handy in an emergency, but otherwise they just look silly.
Men are like....Government bonds.
They take so long to mature.
Men are like....Parking spots.
The good ones are taken, and the rest are too small.
Men are like.....Copiers.
You need them for reproduction, but that's about it.
Men are like.....Lava lamps.
Fun to look at, but not all that bright.
Men are like....Bank accounts.
Without a lot of money, they don't generate much interest.
Men are like....High heels.
They're easy to walk on once you get the hang of it.
Men are like....Curling irons.
They're always hot, and they're always in your hair.
Men are like.....Mini skirts.
If you're not careful, they'll creep up your legs.
Men are like....Bananas.
The older they get, the less firm they are.
Women are like the stock market
They're irrational and can bankrupt you if you're not careful.
Women are like computers
They take too long to warm up and a better model always comes along once you've already got one.
Women are like horses
Fun to pet and ride but a pain to feed and clean up after.
Women are like parking meters
If you don't feed them with enough money you face serious consequences.
Women are like fax machines
Useful for one very specific purpose but otherwise just high-maintenance paperweights.
Women are like political campaign contributors
If you let them talk about themselves long enough you wind up in bed with them.
Women are like refrigerators
They're always cold and never seem to have a beer when you need one.
Women are like blue jeans
They look good for a while but eventually they fade and have to be replaced.
Women are like country western songs
They're annoying, they all sound alike, but if you really listen to them you'll get depressed and drink a lot.
A woman is like a pack of cards
… You need a heart ♥ to love her
… A diamond ♦ to marry her … See more
… A club ♣ to smash her head in
… And a spade ♠ to bury the bitch
A woman is like a Diesel Engine – slow to start up but once they get going HOLD ON
A woman is like a Tea-strainers – they retain some stuff but it’s rubbish.
A woman is like a 500cc speedway bike – hard to handle and hard to stop.
A woman is like an overfull suitcase – impossible to shut up.
A woman is like an exercise bike – they make you sweat but you never get anywhere with them.
A woman is like a yo-yo -.. they never know whether they’re coming or going!
A woman is like alottery ticket – if you’ve got the balls you’ll be onto a winner.
A woman is like an uninvited guest – how the hell should we know when they’re coming?
A woman is like a broken ATM -. you can never get money out of them!
A woman is like a bad weather forecast- a depression usually brings on the waterworks.
A woman is like a feather quill – used to be quite handy but they don’t work much these days.
A woman is like a sharp razor blade – always cutting.
A woman is like a Post Office savings book – if you haven’t got much they show little interest.
A woman is like a first-aider . they’ll help a bit but will never have you in stitches.
A woman is like amobile phone – press the right buttons and they might get the message.
Men process life in boxes. .
"A man will strategically organize his life in boxes and then spend most of his time in the boxes he can succeed in. This is such a strong motivation for him that he will seek out the boxes that work and will ignore the boxes that confuse him or make him feel like a failure."
If you take that thought one step further, it might help us understand even better the way men can compartmentalize relationships.
“Women are like spaghetti. They think and do things associatively in the strongest sense of the word, that everything is connected. When a man watches TV, he is simply watching TV. A woman on the other hand, might seize this moment, thinking he's relaxed and that this could be a great time to ask him, "What are you thinking, sweetheart?" And no matter how he answers, he can't win. If he says "Nothing," she will think he's lying or hiding something. He's not. He's just parked in one of his boxes. He may, to please her, look around quickly for one of his boxes that has words in it. The problem is she just simply cannot imagine a moment in her mind without words!”
Women are like waves, men are like rubber bands.
“When a man loves a woman, he needs to pull away once in awhile before he can get closer. For this reason, men are like rubber bands. When they pull away, they can stretch only so far before they come springing back”
Men are like.....Floor tile.
Lay them right the first time and you can walk on them for a
lifetime.
Men are like.....Placemats.
They only show up when there's food on the table.
Men are like.....Mascara.
They usually run at the first sign of emotion.
Men are like.....Bike helmets.
Handy in an emergency, but otherwise they just look silly.
Men are like....Government bonds.
They take so long to mature.
Men are like....Parking spots.
The good ones are taken, and the rest are too small.
Men are like.....Copiers.
You need them for reproduction, but that's about it.
Men are like.....Lava lamps.
Fun to look at, but not all that bright.
Men are like....Bank accounts.
Without a lot of money, they don't generate much interest.
Men are like....High heels.
They're easy to walk on once you get the hang of it.
Men are like....Curling irons.
They're always hot, and they're always in your hair.
Men are like.....Mini skirts.
If you're not careful, they'll creep up your legs.
Men are like....Bananas.
The older they get, the less firm they are.
“Women are like apples on trees, the best ones are on the top of the tree. The men don't want to reach for the good ones because they are afraid of falling and don't want to get hurt. Instead, they just get the rotten apples from the ground that aren't so good but easy. So, the apples at the top think something is wrong with them, when in reality they are amazing. They just have to wait for the right man to come along, the one who's brave enough to climb all the way to the top becuase they value quality.”
Women are like the stock market
They're irrational and can bankrupt you if you're not careful.
Women are like computers
They take too long to warm up and a better model always comes along once you've already got one.
Women are like horses
Fun to pet and ride but a pain to feed and clean up after.
Women are like parking meters
If you don't feed them with enough money you face serious consequences.
Women are like fax machines
Useful for one very specific purpose but otherwise just high-maintenance paperweights.
Women are like political campaign contributors
If you let them talk about themselves long enough you wind up in bed with them.
Women are like refrigerators
They're always cold and never seem to have a beer when you need one.
Women are like blue jeans
They look good for a while but eventually they fade and have to be replaced.
Women are like country western songs
They're annoying, they all sound alike, but if you really listen to them you'll get depressed and drink a lot.
A woman is like a pack of cards
… You need a heart ♥ to love her
… A diamond ♦ to marry her … See more
… A club ♣ to smash her head in
… And a spade ♠ to bury the bitch
A woman is like a Diesel Engine – slow to start up but once they get going HOLD ON
A woman is like a Tea-strainers – they retain some stuff but it’s rubbish.
A woman is like a 500cc speedway bike – hard to handle and hard to stop.
A woman is like an overfull suitcase – impossible to shut up.
A woman is like an exercise bike – they make you sweat but you never get anywhere with them.
A woman is like a yo-yo -.. they never know whether they’re coming or going!
A woman is like alottery ticket – if you’ve got the balls you’ll be onto a winner.
A woman is like an uninvited guest – how the hell should we know when they’re coming?
A woman is like a broken ATM -. you can never get money out of them!
A woman is like a bad weather forecast- a depression usually brings on the waterworks.
A woman is like a feather quill – used to be quite handy but they don’t work much these days.
A woman is like a sharp razor blade – always cutting.
A woman is like a Post Office savings book – if you haven’t got much they show little interest.
A woman is like a first-aider . they’ll help a bit but will never have you in stitches.
A woman is like amobile phone – press the right buttons and they might get the message.
Kung Fu Bear
1.) During an hour of swimming in a pool, you will ingest 1/12 liters of urine.
2.) In an average day, your hand comes into indirect contact with 15 penises by touching door knobs.
3.) Annually, you swallow 12 pubic hairs from fastfoods.
4.) Annually, you swallow 5 insects while sleeping.
5.)Annually you will shake hands with 6 men and 11 women who have recently masturbated and failed to wash their hands.
6.) Daily you will breath in 1 liter of other peoples' anal gases.
7.) On average bears kill 6 people worldwide every day.
Sunday 9 September 2012
HEAD TURNERS.
Just the other day my boss took this picture. He was walking hand in hand with his wife just before taking this picture. He dropped her hand as fast as he could to run and took this picture. After his wife saw what he did. She did not talk to him for days. He pleads with her " How often do you see a dog drive a car?"
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